Finding the Flow, Leaving the Flow

Hello there, all you beauties!

I'm working on finding a rhythm and a flow to these posts.  I always struggle with that - finding a flow. Except when I don't struggle with it.  Then it's the opposite - I stay in the flow so long that I don't eat or hydrate properly.

Or stretch. And then my back has something to say about it.

I like starting projects - heck, I like just having things to work on in general.  I get so excited about a new endeavor - so much so that I start many, many MANY things all at once, and then I struggle to follow through.  Except, once again, when it's the exact opposite, and I can't seem to get OUT of the flow, even if it means that I'm hungry, sore and dehydrated. 

So where's the balance?

Well, to be honest, I don't really know.  I'm such a 'get-up-and-go' type of queer, that sometimes I find my head spinning from everything that I have going on around (and inside of) me.  Sometimes it makes me nauseous if I try to focus on anything too long, the swirling mass of my commitments, hopes, dreams, endeavors.... well, it can become overwhelming.  And it doesn't help that I'm a natural people-pleaser who feels immense guilt when I inconvenience people.  Even when I'm not really doing that - it seems to always feel that way. 

I've been doing a lot of work recently on reestablishing a pattern of play, periods of rest, and a sense of openness to just take a little time to stop and look around me. Which is incredibly difficult for me.  I alway feel like when I take time to stop, I leave myself open for disaster.  Either I'll take too much time and fall back into habits that no longer serve me...or I'll fall into immense financial difficulty that hard work, helping hands and some lucky breaks got me out of.  It's terrifying to think that I could end up back where I started from when I began rebuilding my life after my divorce in 2015.  

Or falling behind even that.  Much worse.

But these fears hold me back from allowing me to grow.  They were a part of what helped me survive until today - and that's so great!  And now, I'm developing new skills that will help me leave those thoughts and fears behind.  Or at least, not have them creating barriers for me.  

In addition to finding my whimsical side again, I want to use some of those newfound skills and forward momentum to create new flow in my life - focusing on the things that I want to do instead of always feeling like I need to focus on what I have to do,  Finding the flow with regularly updating this blog, for instance.  Finding the flow with practicing music and discovering new techniques and instruments to explore.  Creating the educational tools that I wish I had in my back pocket when I was younger.  Branching out into new styles and ways of expression.  Finding new collaboration around me - and maintaining those connections.  These are the areas I want to place my time and attention - and I feel like I'm in a much better place to do so.  

And it's an incredible privilege to be able to do so.

Being queer, I know that there are times, places, and entities/systemic structures that can present as barriers or threats at any time.  And those barriers/threats are even more present for many other marginalized groups who need systemic change and people to help fight with them.  

I cannot give what I don't have, however. 

I can't fight when I'm exhausted, low, overworked, and feeling empty.  If there's nothing to pour from my cup, I haven't got much left to demand change with.  And If I can't find ways to feed my own soul, it's difficult for me to help feed others.  I find that with my teaching all the time.  When I'm not feeling fulfilled, neither are my students.  Taking time to rest, to heal, to play, to love, to laugh, to cry, to create, to mourn, to detach, to's all vital to my existence, and I imagine to just about everyone else's too.  That's where my learning and my growing are focused in the coming months. Finding the flow and leaving the flow - it's about exploring that balance and seeing what tips the scales.  Because it's never going to be consistent and I will have times where I can't figure out what I need to do right away.  

Allowing that time to explore will make it that much easier though.  And I'm so ready to explore. 

<3 Kay Jay

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